Pregnant Vegetarian 2: Pregnancy Farts & Sore Boobs

Things They Don’t Warn You About Before You Get Pregnant

Deadly Farts

There are things they don’t warn you about before you get pregnant, probably for the good of the species.

I thought pregnancy would have a couple of upsides. Besides, of course, a tiny precious baby at the end.

I figured it would be the one time in my life I’d finally have a decent set of boobs. I mean, the ability to run without a bra is awesome, and most of the time I would take that over cup size any day.

I just thought it would be fun to have bigger ones for a year or so. And now I do – but I’m not enjoying them. They are seriously sore. Plus I have to wear a bra. So unfair. They better not stay sore the whole time. I’ll complain to management!

I also though that not having periods would be great. No cramps, no bloating, no tampons! YAY! It’s true there are no more tampons, But there are cramps. And bloating! From gas! The symptoms don’t quit after four days either.

Apparently, your digestion slows down, which increases absorption. Great for nutrient needy baby, not so good for nearby noses. “Nobody,” says What To Expect When You’re Expecting, “does gas like a pregnant woman”.

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Great. Also true. I have eaten eggs and drunk beer in the same meal and had to live with the results before. I know what smelly is. Or I thought I did. When I got pregnant, I became the fart queen!

At work I would fart all day long, vile smelly things that lingered in the air. I am truly shocked that no one said anything. It’s not like you could mistake the source; they weren’t quiet either. It was so bad, I gave up any notion of polite concealment or shame. Pregnancy and dignity, I have discovered, do not go hand in hand.

I will say it’s kind of fun to have a license to fart gratuitously. Sorry, can’t help it, I’m pregnant, don’t you know….I picture myself dissipating lines at the grocery store, deliberately farting next to people I dislike, wandering into bath and beauty at the mall and letting a couple rip…take that you overly scented lotion pushers!

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Fortunately for retailers everywhere, and my poor co-workers, the heavy farting stage only lasted about a month. I suspect that it is one of the benefits of the higher fiber diet that vegetarians eat. Proper hydration has also been very helpful, especially a warm cup of herbal tea in the morning before breakfast. I am almost back down to pre-pregnancy farting levels.

Almost. Except that some days I eat eggs….and don’t drink enough…you can just imagine.

One lovely benefit of pregnancy, that makes up for the farting and the bloating, the sore boobs and even the fatigue, is Bryan’s response to the whole thing.

When he found out I am pregnant, it is as if I flipped a switch in his head and he went into nurturing mode. He has started doing more housework (without my having to ask!!), he brings in all the wood for the wood stove, he makes me tea.

If I say I’m hungry, he offers to cook. He quit drinking coffee so I wouldn’t be tempted by the smell. I get snuggles all the time. If he were a radio, he’d be tuned to my needs.

Now that is much more in line with my idealized vision of pregnancy, full of glowing and nesting and bonding.

If I can only figure out how to make that switch stay flipped after the baby comes…I will be so happy and smug that I will be forced to write relationship advice books just to have an outlet.

Zoe Keeland

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One Response to “Pregnant Vegetarian 2: Pregnancy Farts & Sore Boobs”

  1. Karen says:

    So true…… Can’t stop laughing!

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