Ask The Savvy Vegetarian: Visiting Non-Vegetarian Relatives

Savvy Vegetarian News

Vol. 1, Issue 4, July 2003

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Dear Savvy Vegetarian,

I'm a 30 year old single guy - I've been a vegetarian for five years, and have become completely vegan in the last six months. My problem is, I'm going to visit my older sister and her husband, who aren't vegetarian, for 10 days. On previous visits, they were very nice, and went out of their way to accomodate my diet, and I broke most of my dietary rules, even eating chicken and fish a few times to keep the peace. But now that I'm a complete vegan, it will be more difficult to blend with them, as I feel strongly about sticking to my diet. Do you have any suggestions?

Todd in Minneapolis

Dear Todd,

This is one I've learned and continue to learn the hard way, by banging my head against the wall. I'll be frank with you. Short of compromising your principles yet again, there's no easy, graceful way to visit your sister and her husband, be completely vegan the whole time, and leave with all positive feelings between the three of you. Possibly you can be mostly vegan while you're there, and I do have a few suggestions:

1. Talk with your sister before you visit. Explain your change of diet, and how you want to stick with it no matter what, and your reasons. Be brief, charming and sweet.
2. Then express concern about how that will affect her and her husband when you visit, and tell her what you'd like to do to make things easy for them. I'm not leaving you to think of those all by your self. See points 3 - 7.
3. Take along your own special foods that she wouldn't normally buy, or can't find where she lives, to save her the trouble and expense of shopping just for you. Discuss that list with her. Offer to help with the shopping while you're there.
4. Offer to cook for yourself and make enough for them to try if they want - I assume you cook, If not, buy a few cookbooks, and learn to cook - it'll liberate you, and impress potential lovers.
5. Promise that if you use her kitchen, you'll never get in her way, and will always leave it immaculate, and be prepared to keep that promise. Don't be surprised if she doesn't believe you. Women usually think that men are oblivious to stuff like that.
6. Having expressed all this in your most boyishly sweet and charming way, ask your sister for her ideas. Be prepared for them not to please you.
7. After all your offers, if she says something like, "I don't see why you can't just eat the way you did when you visited before - it's only for ten days," it's time to back down, and say, "Well O.K., but I'd rather not eat chicken or fish. How about if when you're having meat, chicken or fish, I make myself some tofu?"
8. If then she thinks maybe you should just skip the visit, beg forgiveness, promise never to mention it again, and send flowers.

Somehow vegetarians tend to make non-vegetarians defensive and hostile just by existing. If you're doing something right, it means to them that you're judging them negatively, and it's often true. It sounds like your sister and her husband have been tolerant and accommodating to you, and if you visit them regularly, must be fond of you. They may take it as a criticism of them if you are too strident about your diet. Think about this: Are your principles more important than your sister's feelings, and your relationship with her and her husband?

Please let me know how things work out on your visit.

Newsletter Index:

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An extraordinary event took place in this ultra-creative small town in the heart of S.E. Iowa, home of Maharishi University of Management, and a major center for spirituality, alternative healing, environmental activists, sustainable agriculture, and the arts.

Article: Eco-Fair, Fairfield, IA, May 23 - 26, 2003. Part Two: Speakers and Events.

Part 2 of the Eco-Fair Report covers workshops I didn't attend, one that I did, by Tad Hargrave, Entrepreneurial Activist and Coach, and the keynote speaker, Hunter S. Lovins, author of Natural Capitalism.

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Ask The Savvy Vegetarian:

What To Do When Visiting Non-Vegetarian Relatives? From a single, 30 year old Vegan guy.

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